February fears


street scene

I’m been feeling down lately — and it’s just silly, because I’m really enjoying my job at the moment, and we went to the theatre and symphony and caught up with friends over the past week — but…

But…

  1. It’s February, and the sidewalks are horribly icy, but spring is coming in the sense that today’s snow will be mixed with rain and freezing rain (yuck).
  2. I have all but disappeared from my online communities (my apologies for not coming by to visit lately) due to total lack of inspiration.
  3. I haven’t even taken any photos for a week (this image taken two years ago shows Saint John looking almost exactly as it does today, icicles included).
  4. When I was reorganizing my desk a few weeks ago, I dropped my favourite lens, a 24mm prime. Fortunately the lens itself seems to be fine, but the autofocus is no longer working.
  5. My ankle sometimes still aches where I hurt it last fall.
  6. And, well, I’m going to be 50 next month. I’m not shy about claiming my age, but I am afraid of aging, I am afraid of not being able to walk, I am afraid of not being able to carry my camera wherever impulse takes me, I am afraid of not being able to see clearly.

Yes, I know these February blues will pass, that my petulant whining will magically disappear in the face of a new adventure or new accomplishment, or new month. I’ll be waiting.

Photo taken on February 25, 2009

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9 thoughts on “February fears

  1. I think that all of your problems can be summed up in the first two words of you litany of being down — “It’s February.” This is always the worst month for me. I can’t walk because the snow is either too deep or two packed down and icy. I can’t garden, and I don’t dare order any more plants because I have trouble taking care of the ones that I have. And, on, and on.

    And, it’s my birth month. I turned 63 yesterday and I have many of the same fears that you have. But, you know what? We can’t do a darn thing about it, so we might as well just enjoy the many, many good days we have left. Build up those memories, my friend.

    • You’re right, Louise, I’ve never liked February. By this time, I’m tired of winter, but spring still seems so far off…

      And happy belated birthday to you! I imagine that February would be the worst time — and the best time — to have a celebration.

      And, you know, I’ve been thinking about memories lately, and how sometimes the best ones come from times when you’ve had to struggle rather than just sitting back and letting the time go by. I need to remember that tough days are good memory builders!

  2. Life has its ups and downs.That might be a good thing, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good days. I don’t have a down period right now but strangely enough have no inspiration for taking photos. When I was younger, I got real down periods in the Spring. When the sun had started to melt the snow, when it smelt of mud, and it’s dripping everywhere. Strange, huh?! Those were the times when I wanted to break up, go away, change… It was an unrest rather than depression. Now that I’m older, I’ve learnt how to handle this in a different way, if it ever appears.
    I try hard no to worry about the future, and live for now but it’s easier said than done.

  3. That’s interesting how the you used to feel restless in the spring, Rebekah. I used to know someone who claimed she was allergic to mud — particularly that damp earth smell during spring melt — I wonder if that was the same sort of reaction?

    Sometimes I find I need to get out and change my schedule a bit, or go somewhere different to feel inspired to take photos. Or maybe it’s a matter of waiting and watching… as I write this, I’m watching an enormous moon emerge from the clouds, and slowly slipping down to the horizon, and I’m wondering if I can capture with my camera.

    • I totally missed the full moon this month. It was overcast when I looked for it and the other times, I forgot.

      It had nothing to do with mud, it was just a time of year when I wanted to be somewhere[one] else.The more beautiful the weather, the more down I felt.

  4. I know where you’re coming from. I’ve been feeling very blah and uninspired myself lately. It’s true, getting older is no joke. Birthdays are milestones but also reminders of Lachesis snipping the thread, the candle burning down, whatever metaphor you like. Still, I think 50 is maybe a little premature for worry.

    • I’m sure you’re right, barefootheart, worrying about the future only makes me feel anxious. The years will unfold in their own inscrutable way, in their own time (not mine) and I’ll be better off just taking each turn as it comes rather than trying to guess what lies ahead.

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